“Personal Assistant”

I haven’t had enough caffeine for this. Take it away, Craigslist:

Personal Assistant for Business Owner
Prefer male 21-30 years old. Business student for business owner. I have two businesses and no time for bill paying, bill receiving, data entry, oil changes for my fleet of vehicles, dry cleaning, keeping track of important meetings or dates or phone calls. You need to be organized and organize me. I have hundreds of contacts throughout Champaign-Urbana and will provide any help you need from me. You have access to my computers and my vehicles. I have never done this so your pay will be competitive. You might have to do heavy lifting. You never know? Email me at email with interest, resume, etc. thanks

First of all, I believe this business owner is imagining a relationship that might violate a few general societal guidelines regarding sexual harassment in the workplace. How am I able to gain this insight into their delicately masked motivations? Well, I’ve been reading a lot of job postings lately, and that the ad poster not only stated a gender and age preference but put it in the FIRST SENTENCE OF THE AD seems to be raising the old freak flag way up over half mast, if you know what I mean.

Not only that, but I’m getting some weird euphemism vibes off of “you need to organize me” and “I’ve never done this before so your pay will be competitive,” not to mention that suggestive “You never know?” I’m pretty sure this guy is picturing a working relationship akin to that of Captain Jack and Ianto from Torchwood, with hints of Devon Banks and Kenneth from 30 Rock*. He may as well have stood on his rooftop and rasped “INTERNET, BRING ME YOUR YOUNG MEN! I WANT THEM TO ORGANIZE ME.”

Oh yeah. How do I know it’s a guy? Because they want another dude to change their fucking oil.

*I command you to bow down to my superior television knowledge, anonymous Craigslist creeper!

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