This Is Not Happening

I know I’ve been away a while; to be honest, I’ve been more than semi-employed over the last month and it’s damaged my ability to bitch about being semi-unemployed.

But this is important, guys.

I’ve been cursed.

I don’t know when it happened, but it’s very true. I have proof.

Over the last week or so, I’ve restarted my search for editing work with renewed vigor, of the type that one may discover in a dead-end retail job. Since last Friday, I’ve applied for dozens of jobs across the country and sent my resume unsolicited to dozens of apathetic publishing houses. I’m heartened by the apparent increase in entry-level positions, and my job search has recently been lent an added sense of urgency by the news that my University job will not continue past May due to budgeting issues.

But none of that matters now, for I have been marked. My time is short.

A while ago, I found in my search the following job listing.

Description and Duties
Seeking an entry-level editor to support marketing efforts and related web and print content and Medical Arts Press. As part of the Channel Marketing Content Team, the editor works directly with writers, designers, the editing team, as well as marketing, merchandising & mgt to ensure the accuracy and timeliness of all editing projects & responsibilities.The editor has experience in the mediums company website and Medical Arts Press utilize (email, website, catalog, direct mail, etc.).As a member of the editing team, edit all product copy to ensure all purchasing info is complete and accurate. You will edit catalog direct mail pieces for grammar, punctuation rules, registration and trademark usage, legal requirements and branding.You will edit all email & web pages and perform quality control functions to ensure the website is fast & simple for our customers to use.Edit work that flows through Channel Marketing to ensure 100% accuracy and ease of use for customers.

Excellent. I’m extremely qualified and it’s located in Illinois. I can’t wait to apply. But the employer has decided to suppress its information until applicants file through illinoisskillsearch.com. That site directs to a long and complicated resume and skills form, which takes me long enough to fill out that by the time I’m finished I’ve almost forgotten what job I was applying for in the first place.

At long last, my application at the third-party website is complete, and I’ve found my way back to the original job listing. Now there’s a friendly button at the bottom of the page that says “Yes, I’m Interested!”

Note: Friendly buttons of this nature should always register unbridled terror.

This friendly button revealed the name of the company offering this intriguing position for which I am thoroughly qualified and which is located in my current state.

Imagine, if you will the worst possible outcome of this button’s nefarious little plot, its tiny little butterfly wings turning the whole universe rotten. The employer could be Satan, perhaps, or the ghost of Stalin, or my 8th-grade English teacher who gleefully spoiled the outcome of Sophie’s Choice. The relative evilness of any of these potential employers pales in comparison to the actual result.

Here is what that friendly little button did to my inviting, intriguing job listing.

Company Name: Staples

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  1. Ms. Mason…bwahahahaha.

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