How to Get an Awesome Job in Five Easy Steps

Step One: Learn a useful skill.
Instead I: Got an English degree. Off to a great start.

Step Two: Diversify your employment history.
Instead I: Worked for three years in a (totally awesome) job that required me to use my brain 4.5 times. Then I worked for Staples, but I’m still not sure how I feel about having that on my resume.

Step Three: Punch up your resume. Make yourself sound incredibly desirable.
Instead I: Compiled a list of my failures and tweaked a Word theme to fit them. Actual line from my resume: “I type at 80 GWAM.” I’m still hoping that someday, someone will care about my sweet GWAM. I was like, the best in my keyboarding class!

Step Four: Make connections.
Instead I: Spent most of college being the girl standing in the corner at parties, alternately snarking on the cool kids and whining about wanting to go home.

Step Five: Achieve success! Start doing grown-up things like folding sheets and cleaning the house for no reason other than to have a clean house! Peel your ass off the couch and figure out how to do a sit-up! Stop watching so much sci-fi television!
Instead I: Discovered that the entire series of “The X-Files” is on Netflix Instant. Score.

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