Archive for the ‘ Ads ’ Category

I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own

Reality Actresses/Actors (Danville)

Looking for Actresses/Actors for new web based reality program.Full time or Part time positions available.NO SALES.Great Earnings potential.All applicants must be 18 years of age or older.This is not a scam.Small company looking to establish themselves in the reality based industry.

Sometimes, I think we’re all looking to establish ourselves in the reality-based industry.

Also, I’m 93.5% certain that this is a subtle casting call for pr0n, and there are going to be a few very confused wannabe-Snookies (or perhaps they won’t be that confused after all).

Site note: I’ve been absent of late not because I’m working on my novel or traveling the high seas, but merely because absolutely nothing of interest has happened whatsoever. When my life gets interesting again, I’ll be sure to memorialize it in print.

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My “I”s Are Crossed

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to check the St. Louis Craigslist for writer/editor jobs before today. So far, I’ve found one scam, one job that sounds far too good to be true (the compensation section reads: “competitive base salary based on experience, plus health/dental insurance, 20+ paid days off per year, and FREE BEER”), and this doozy. Ah, Southern Illinois, you always do represent yourself so well.

FREELANCE WRITER NEEDED! We are looking for a creative Writer to tell our story! Situated in Southern Illinois with offices located throughout the country, our company is looking for a creative writer to develop copy for a custom company Press-Kit/brochure binder which will include, among other things, information about the company, it’s subsidiaries, offerings, history, leadership and credentials. The Writer must have strong grammar skills (those whom can’t cross i’s and dot t’s will not be considered), have the ability to research as needed as well as creatively bend and blend style accordingly to our needs. This is not a “sales” slick, but more of a “feel-good” piece. This will be a professionally printed and will be used as a print collateral centerpiece during corporate meetings, client interviews and throughout the sales process for high-profile potential customers. Please provide resume and at least 4 samples of best work. Those who reply without 4 samples and resume will not be considered. Payment for project commensurate with experience and will be negotiated with chosen writer based on supplied hourly rate or preferred project fees. Good luck and we look forward to working with someone soon!

I would like to highlight this particular sentence: “The Writer must have strong grammar skills (those whom can’t cross i’s and dot t’s will not be considered)…”

My professional opinion? Those whom can’t accurately quote idioms or keep the rules for “who” versus “whom” straight really shouldn’t be too picky about who writes their PR material.

“Personal Assistant”

I haven’t had enough caffeine for this. Take it away, Craigslist:

Personal Assistant for Business Owner
Prefer male 21-30 years old. Business student for business owner. I have two businesses and no time for bill paying, bill receiving, data entry, oil changes for my fleet of vehicles, dry cleaning, keeping track of important meetings or dates or phone calls. You need to be organized and organize me. I have hundreds of contacts throughout Champaign-Urbana and will provide any help you need from me. You have access to my computers and my vehicles. I have never done this so your pay will be competitive. You might have to do heavy lifting. You never know? Email me at email with interest, resume, etc. thanks

First of all, I believe this business owner is imagining a relationship that might violate a few general societal guidelines regarding sexual harassment in the workplace. How am I able to gain this insight into their delicately masked motivations? Well, I’ve been reading a lot of job postings lately, and that the ad poster not only stated a gender and age preference but put it in the FIRST SENTENCE OF THE AD seems to be raising the old freak flag way up over half mast, if you know what I mean.

Not only that, but I’m getting some weird euphemism vibes off of “you need to organize me” and “I’ve never done this before so your pay will be competitive,” not to mention that suggestive “You never know?” I’m pretty sure this guy is picturing a working relationship akin to that of Captain Jack and Ianto from Torchwood, with hints of Devon Banks and Kenneth from 30 Rock*. He may as well have stood on his rooftop and rasped “INTERNET, BRING ME YOUR YOUNG MEN! I WANT THEM TO ORGANIZE ME.”

Oh yeah. How do I know it’s a guy? Because they want another dude to change their fucking oil.

*I command you to bow down to my superior television knowledge, anonymous Craigslist creeper!