The Long, Slow March to the Breadline

Today is my first day of unemployment in four years.

Technically, I’m not exactly unemployed; my job at the University is merely shutting down for the next month for budgetary reasons. Those reasons may have something to do with my state’s stalwart determination to make California’s government look competent.

Anyway, down to business. If you don’t want to spend the rest of the day staring woefully at your shoelaces while contemplating the consumption of household janitorial products, I suggest you promptly navigate away from this webpage, because I’m about to write the two most depressing statements in the history of the English language.

I hope all but the most painfully emo among you are gone by now, ’cause this is going to get ugly.


1. I have, in the past month, developed an extremely painful rash on my arms and legs with no apparent cause or remedy, and
2. I am concerned that I might not be able to donate plasma to support myself through this period of temporary suspended income — as has been my plan — due to said unexplained rash.

Even worse, I fear that the rash may be stress-related; therefore, my fear of tainted plasma could actually be prolonging and exaggerating its effects. Even worse than that, the rash appeared synchronous to my decision to finally turn around an extremely disturbing weight trend;* so far, my strenuous efforts to eat thoughtfully and exercise more seem to have been rewarded with bright red alligator skin. The universe noted my attempts at self-betterment, chuckled broadly to itself, and handed them back to me in the form of a giant, pointy suppository.

Did you hear that? That was the sound of every ounce of joy being sucked out of the room. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

At any rate, it would appear that my semi-unemployment period has taken a sharp left turn towards Morbid-ville. I’m on the fence over whether to document my whacky plasma/rash-related hijinks, or continue the suspension of this endeavor until such time as good news finally peeks its little head above ground, sees its shadow, and burrows back down.

*I don’t mind capping off this awful post with the admission that I’ve gained 70 pounds in the last five years. Don’t expect me to be held liable for any self-harm which may have resulted from reading this blog.

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